Big American Dick

If I were a man
I’d have a big dick

just like the United States of America

a bulging, pulsing, heat-seeking hummer of an all-beef torpedo
amply endowed by his Creator
with the strength to carry the weight of nations
and inspire…
covert double takes at UN urinals

Yes, mine would be an impressive beast
I’d have to special order Congressional protection
to insure a fit that didn’t impede my circulation
Small nations might feel a slight clutch of fear
at first sight but
I’d be gentle — just ask Iraq

Mine would be a regal and handsome dick
dangling or erect, it would be perfectly plumb
not bent or veering off at some peculiar angle
as if trying escape its god given role in life
A born-again dick decked out in a flight suit
this righteous avenger lives to dominate other men
bomb their villages
privatize their oil
install their dictators
and any other means necessary to ensure they suck up
to ME

No one would ever be fool enough to call my crimson colossus a weenie
—oh no!
At rest he is a meaty sausage
all latent power
perpetually poised to preempt your ass
at the merest whisper of provocation—
a little popular resistance, say, or the threat of fair elections
But pounding home the joys of democracy isn’t all candy and flowers
Whenever I pull out of a tight spot prematurely and miscalculate my reentry
well, I’m in deep Shiite

So how do I know I’d have a big dick?
Because I’m an American, damn it!
Male or female, I was born macho
outfitted with a certain confidence
a swagger even
an attitude
that befits a man with a well hung slab o ham
I said I’m an American!
It’s my birthright
I’m entitled to look down and gaze upon
the most robust nuclear penetrator on god’s scorched earth

That’s right, I damn well deserve
the endowment of a quintessential American dick
a strong, silent
riding the range
slide into town, torture the prisoners, and slide on out
kind of dick

A Colt 45 shotgun bunker busting Predator drone of a glaring red rocket
A grunting, thrusting, strutting, rutting creature
that’s built to take the heat and do some damage

I’m talking about a dick that means business
a neo-con Exxon corporate takeover
in the guise of a one-eyed fleshy barbarian

but —
make no mistake
this here is one big compassionate dick — yes, a dick with heart
who pledges to leave no billionaire behind
while opening virgin markets on ravaged continents
as a shining example of the values we hold dear

My fellow Americans
our national dick is on a mission from god
World domination
one inch at a time

Who could resist such a rousing destiny?
No contest, baby
If I was a man
I’d be just another big ol’
American
Dick

 

© Lisa Martinovic

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